What it’s like: Life on the outside after one year on parole

A letter from an anonymous formerly incarcerated individual to the Texas Parole Authority.

I did roughly 80% of my sentence in TDCJ. I spent 8 years incarcerated hoping and praying that good behavior and rehabilitating myself in prison would lead me to my 1st parole. I was wrong, and I was denied my first parole because of the “nature of the crime”. This was upsetting to me, my family, and many other inmates who go through this. The nature of the crime never changes, but the incarcerated person does.

However, my denial didn’t change who I have become. I still strived to help other inmates by volunteering at my unit, leading by example, and staying out of trouble. My family stuck by me, and I was granted my 2nd Parole one year later.

Pre-Release

I was transferred to a pre-release unit 5 days before I was scheduled to be released. It was like a totally different world. I was still in prison, but I no longer felt like I was in prison. The unit I was transferred to had a special wing just for pre-releasees. The rules were totally different. Count time was lax and didn’t seem to matter. The cell doors were open 24/7, rack up time was non-existent, and the C.O.s seemed to treat us like people. It was like being thrown into a totally different world overnight. Everyone in pre-release seemed to get along. There was no more fighting, race didn’t seem to matter, and while there were still drugs, they weren’t as prevalent.

I kept wondering if it was possible for prison to always be this way. I want to say that everyone got along because we all knew we were going home and didn’t want to mess it up, but I really think it had to do with how the C.O.s treated us and how the rules changed a bit. The culture was different, and because of that, much of the toxicity of everyday prison life was gone.

Day 1 – Release Day

The fresh air tasted better than usual, and I was happy to be hugging my family outside of a visitation room. My wife and mother were crying, I was crying. I was finally free. I’ll never forget what it was like to be outside prison, the tears, the hugs, the happiness, and the sense of being able to make my own choices again. It was amazing, and also overwhelming. I had a long car ride ahead of me. Riding in a car after years of not doing so was nerve wracking. I got a little nauseous, and I felt like we were going too fast at 1st (40mph). After about 20 minutes I got used to it. Eventually, we made it home, and I celebrated the fact that I could take a real shower and eat real food. Somehow, I managed to take more than 5 minutes to eat.

The 1st Check-in with Parole

I called the parole office when I got close to home. TDCJ gave me the number of the wrong office, luckily, my family was prepared and we had the right one. They told me to come in Monday (this was Friday evening).

The 1st check in was a rude awakening. The parole officer that did my orientation went over my conditions, had me fill out a bunch of forms, and became annoyed when I chose to read them before I signed them. After that I was drug tested. I passed, and he sent me on my way home with instructions for reporting the next month and also for where to attend my classes.

I am a stickler for following the rules of release. I read everything several times, and when I had questions, I called the parole office and asked to speak with the supervisor on duty. They seemed annoyed to be taking my calls and answering my questions, but, I would rather be safe than sorry. Asking for forgiveness wasn’t an option, but asking for permission was.

Month 1

The 1st month outside of prison was both wonderful and terrifying. I feel like I spent most of my time trying to find my bearings. Getting my Driver’s License, opening a bank account, getting an e-mail, and learning how to use a phone and technology again. Thankfully I have a strong support system that was there for me. I know many people who are released have nothing and no one. I consider myself fortunate.

Everything was exciting and new, but also very overwhelming. Post Incarceration Syndrome was rearing its ugly head. I was overwhelmed anytime I went out in public. Closed doors in my house triggered my anxiety, I had a hard time explaining my feelings to my family, and after so many years of constant noise, the quiet (while a welcome change) felt overwhelming in a way my words can’t articulate.

Getting a job became my priority. I was sent to the Texas Workforce Commission. Personally, while I appreciate all that they do for people looking for work, I felt that I needed to do it on my own. I ended up landing a job after making some cold calls and introducing myself. I know most people don’t do this kind of thing. My thought process was that since no major company is most likely going to hire a felon fresh out of prison that my time would be better spent calling small local businesses and seeing if they were hiring. Luckily, I was right. After securing employment, I felt better about myself. I felt like I could succeed. Finally, I was feeling something besides anxious, I was feeling hopeful.

Months 2-4

I had developed a routine that worked for me. Work, come home, cook, clean, relax, workout, repeat. I was becoming more comfortable with being out in public when I had to be. My job definitely helped with that since I had to interact with people while at work. Going to parole check-ins was becoming routine, and I felt like my life was finally going somewhere I could be proud of. What I remember most about this time was the number of people I no longer saw at my classes. This was not because they graduated, it was because they violated their parole conditions. They went to bars, drank some alcohol, some guys went back for failing too many drug tests. Unfortunately, some of the guys in my class committed a new offense, so back to prison they went. To me, nothing is worth sacrificing my freedom, so I follow the rules all the time. One night of drinking or drugs is all it takes to lose your freedom. I get it, when you’ve been locked up a long time, you want to relax. The problem is, for most of us fresh out prison, the things we did to relax are the exact things that led us into trouble in the first place. You have to learn to replace your bad habits and behaviors with healthy ones that will serve you well. You can’t let your guard down.

My advice is to find a role model. Even if it isn’t someone you know in person, find someone that is living a healthy lifestyle and emulate what they do. For me, books and authors who are living a life I want are my source of inspiration. I do my best to emulate their healthy behaviors and incorporate them into my life.

Months 5-8

Life is good. I have a beautiful family, a good job, my bills are being paid, and I feel stable both financially and emotionally. I’m ahead on my parole fees, and office visits don’t scare me the way they used to. They still make me anxious, but I know I am following the rules, so my anxiety almost seems pointless. I have developed some healthy relationships that will serve me well. I don’t have relationships with the people that have a lifestyle that will drag me down (trust me when I say you can’t avoid toxic people all the time). I am grateful for everyday of freedom and my unique perspective of being formerly incarcerated makes it easier to see the good in my life. The volunteers in prison were right. You’re worst day on the outside is still better than your best day on the inside. I think about a disagreement my wife and I had during this time. Frankly, I can’t remember what it was about, but I do remember telling her that I was grateful to be disagreeing with her in person and not over the prison phone system. That changed her perspective completely. We both smiled after I said that, embraced, and cried a little. Marriage during prison is hard. Marriage after prison is also hard. You both have to want to make it work. My wife had to learn to live with me again, and I had to learn how to live with someone that I loved and actually wanted to be around (no offense to my former cellmates). I had to learn how to be considerate of someone other than myself, especially when making plans, or planning to take on new hobbies that would take some time. After a few months of financial and emotional stability, I finally felt like I had the motivation to continue working on myself as a person.

Months 9-12

Things have become better every day. I have finally learned how to relax again. My anxiety isn’t as bad, and I smile more often. Work is still going well and I am in love with my best friend. Parole check-ins are routine, and as long as I keep doing what I am doing, I am going to successfully discharge. Lately, I have been able to look towards my future. I have goals and dreams, and I feel like they are attainable. Besides work, I think about how I want to give back in the future. How can I help other guys succeed and keep them on the right path? I am not sure yet, but I know I will keep leading by example. All I have to do is keep following the rules and stay focused on what matters most – My freedom.